The Retainer Who Thought He Was Human

Have you ever wondered where all those missing retainers go?

Well, our patients have some amazing stories to tell. Fact, fiction or just plain silly . . . only our patients know for sure. All we ask is that the stories entertain us, and many of our patients deliver just that. We thought we’d share a few of the stories we have received as a regular Blog feature.

Here's Our Latest Story . . .

Upon situating itself in my mouth for extended periods of time, my retainer (who I called Gerald) was subjected to the rigorous curriculum that my high school had to offer. There were, of course, obvious upsides to this including a world class education for close to nothing. However, there were a few adverse side effects. Gerald’s thoughts surpassed that of your average retainer. Soon enough, Gerald could compete with the PSAT scores of many high school freshman. The quality of Gerald’s thoughts began to progress so rapidly that he became self aware. He was no longer regurgitating simple facts, but began to function as if he were human.

In a few short weeks, Gerald was struggling internally with issues regarding his identity, and as such, began to rebel against the hand that fed him. No longer would he stand to represent a role of enforcement, making his position as a retainer and his identity as a person the basis of a strong conflict of interest. Sadly, his duty as retainer fell by the wayside, and he was frequently trying to escape the quite literal jaws of conformity. It  wasn’t long before I  could barely keep my mouth open without Gerald trying to escape.  Long “o” sounds were almost impossible, and I was forced to keep Gerald under lock and key.

Several days after the initial escape attempts, I awoke to find Gerald’s padlocked cage open and no retainer to be found. I made a mental note to take out future retainers before attending burglary club, then set off to find Gerald. On my bedroom door, scrawled in messy font on a post-it, was a note from none other than Gerald himself.  The note said that he had gone to follow 50 Cents to his summer “In da club” tour across the United States. With a heavy heart, I picked up the phone and called my orthodontist.