Conspiracy Theory - Not Your Typical Retainer Story

Have you ever wondered where all those missing retainers go?

Well, our patients have some amazing stories to tell. Fact, fiction or just plain silly . . . only our patients know for sure. All we ask is that the stories entertain us, and many of our patients deliver just that. We thought we’d share a few of the stories we have received as a regular Blog feature. We hope you’ll enjoy them as much as we have!

It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya—a conspiracy!! There is no way an observant guy like me could lose his retainer. It must have happened during third period lunch.  I was sitting down eating and talking to my friends, Billy and Bob, about where we were going to skate that day when out of nowhere that dreaded bell rang. It was time to go back to class.  I took my uneaten stuff and tossed it all in the trash.  Now, I know what you’re thinking . . . I took my retainer out, left it on the tray, and when it was time to go, I tossed it in the trash with everything else.  BUT NO, it’s not my fault. Here’s how it really happened:

While waiting in line to get me meatloaf surprise, I noticed that our lunch lady was giving me the eye.  Now, of course, I just caulked it up to the fact that I looked so good that day. You should have seen her eyes light up when I flashed my newly de-metaled smile. But what she was really checking out was whether or not I was wearing my new retainer. Ew, right! Why would she be checking that out, you must be asking yourself.  Well, this is where the conspiracy theory comes in.

Okay, we’ll start from the top. There is the good orthodontist, Dr. Godwin, or the Godfather, as I like to call him.  He is the one who set this whole deal in motion. Then there’s his Underboss, the receptionists, who help advise the Godfather and upset parents about the “missing” retainer.  Of course, we can’t forget his soldiers, the orthodontic assistants. They are the ones who get the goods from the associates (i.e. the lunch ladies) . . . do you see where this is going?

So this is how it goes down.  When a kid is distracted, the lunch lady swoops in with her wily ways and takes the retainer.  Since it’s not sitting on the tray, the kid totally forgets about it (you know . . . out of sight—out of mind).  She then cleans them and makes a note of who she stole which retainer from.  At the end of the week, one or two of the soldiers collects all of the retainers and brings them back to the headquarters—the orthodontic office. They clean them up and get ready for the phone call from the upset parents— “Kevin lost his retainer. Can I bring him in and get him fitted for a new one?”  The underbosses, being sweet as they are cunning, tell the parents, “It’s not a problem; just bring him in.”   That’s when they go in the back to find his lunch lady-delivered retainer so diligently marked and set aside.

When the kid comes in, the soldiers get to work making a fake mold (after all, they don’t need a real one when the old retainer is in the back), and they tell the kid to come back in a few days.  The Godfather (aka, Dr. Godwin) even comes in and pretends to poke around his mouth making it all seem like an authentic visit.  So, after a few days, the kid comes back and the Godfather gives him his old retainer without anyone being the wiser.  Once he’s gone, they all have a laugh and split the profits. (Cash and/or cookies, that is!)

Now, you’ll know this conspiracy theory is true if I’m found sleeping with the fishes with cement molds stuck to my feet . . Oh, that notorious Godfather!