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retainer stories

Do It Yourself Dad - A Retainer Story To Remember

May 20th, 2019

Have you ever wondered where all those missing retainers go?

Well, our patients have some amazing stories to tell. Fact, fiction or just plain silly . . . only our patients know for sure. All we ask is that the stories entertain us, and many of our patients deliver just that. We thought we’d share a few of the stories we have received as a regular Blog feature. Here's this month's story . . .

Do It Yourself Dad

“Ow, ow, ow!,” Laura sighed heavily and sat up in her bed, pulling her night mask off and switching on the light. Yanking an orange retainer out of her mouth, she surveyed it contemptuously. The mouthpiece had been causing her pain for a few days now, and she couldn’t sleep with the constant irritation it put on her gums. She had tried everything, from Orajel to Tylenol, but the pain wouldn’t go away. Looking at the clock, she noted it was already 10 pm. “I have school tomorrow!,” she thought. “I have to do something about this so I can sleep!”

Trotting downstairs to where her parents were playing solitaire and muttering under their breath about politics, she proclaimed her dilemma. “My retainer doesn’t fit right!” At the voice, they both turned and her dad smiled in a familiar way that made her wish she hadn’t said anything.

“I’ll fix it!”, the handyman father declared as he jumped up and grabbed the orthodontic device out of her hands before she could protest. Her mom just shook her head knowingly.

“This will all end in tears,” Laura’s gloomy brother, Michael, decreed from the couch as Laura smiled nervously and followed her father into his workshop. He was already at work, pulling out various power tools and sealants. The “fix-it-yourself” vibe floating off of him that was almost too strong to bear. “Don’t worry,” he placated. “I’ll have this fitting right faster than you can fry a pan of bacon!”

Laura did not understand how this was a good analogy seeing how the breakfast meat always took a long time to cook. How she was supposed to not worry? Her father was notorious for his repairman attitude that resulted in them rarely calling a professional to patch up anything. This was sometimes a good thing as he was very skilled with plumbing, electronics, and vehicles. The home repairman saved them lots of money, but with delicate things like retainers, Laura didn’t trust him for a second.

A horrid sound snapped her out of her rumination, and Laura realized with dismay that for some ludicrous reason her dad was starting up his industrial sander. The sandpaper whipped by at an incredible speed as he held the mouthpiece down to the surface, scraping away layer after layer of plastic. After a few moments, he held my retainer up and frowned, his daughter flitting around him like a panicky butterfly. “Hmm . . .” he pondered. “I think I took too much off.”

And so, that was the end of my retainer. The moral of this story . . . beware of the Do-It-Yourself Dad. He means well, but some things are better left to the professionals!

The Price of Stardom - Not Your Typical Retainer Story

April 25th, 2019

Have you ever wondered where all those missing retainers go?

Well, our patients have some amazing stories to tell. Fact, fiction or just plain silly . . . only our patients know for sure. All we ask is that the stories entertain us, and many of our patients deliver just that. We thought we’d share a few of the stories we have received as a regular Blog feature. We hope you’ll enjoy them as much as we have!

The Price of Stardom

There I was, standing on a stage in front of thousands of screaming fans. I, Daniel Star, am the lead singer and guitarist of my angst-y-teenage boy band, I Hate My Dad.  I was about to start my first set with my number one smash hit, “Being A Freshman Sux”.   As I began to sing, I accidentally spat out my retainers into the massive crowd of adoring and hormonal fans. As soon as they realized that a piece of Daniel Star paraphernalia was up for grabs, a massive fight broke out.

So there I was, wading through the hordes of fan-girls in a petty attempt to recover my lost retainers. As I approached the center of the horde, I could see my precious retainers being grabbed and passed around. While the hair and punches flew and fights ensued over who was going to keep the retainers of the legendary lead singer of their favorite boy band, I tried in vain to catch the retainers as they bounced around the crowd. As soon as I got within arms reach of my teeth-saving retainers, I heard a shout off my left . . .  “OMG Guys, It’s Him!!!!” Crap! One of my fans noticed I had made my way off the stage and away from my security detail. At that moment, I was hit by a tidal wave of screaming female fans, all begging me for my autograph, a date, or a lock of hair. The last thing I remember was crowd surfing over the masses before I blacked out.

I awoke in my hotel room smelling like 20 different kinds of Hollister perfume. I was missing a shoe, my hair was messed up, and worst of all, my life-saving retainers were utterly gone! I used the sadness and soul-crushing depression I felt from the loss of my treasured retainers to write another number one chart-topping song. The song was a huge success, but it could never fill the void left in my heart that was created by the loss of my beloved retainers. Oh well, I guess that’s the price of stardom.

Conspiracy Theory - Not Your Typical Retainer Story

August 10th, 2017

Have you ever wondered where all those missing retainers go?

Well, our patients have some amazing stories to tell. Fact, fiction or just plain silly . . . only our patients know for sure. All we ask is that the stories entertain us, and many of our patients deliver just that. We thought we’d share a few of the stories we have received as a regular Blog feature. We hope you’ll enjoy them as much as we have!

It’s a conspiracy, I tell ya—a conspiracy!! There is no way an observant guy like me could lose his retainer. It must have happened during third period lunch.  I was sitting down eating and talking to my friends, Billy and Bob, about where we were going to skate that day when out of nowhere that dreaded bell rang. It was time to go back to class.  I took my uneaten stuff and tossed it all in the trash.  Now, I know what you’re thinking . . . I took my retainer out, left it on the tray, and when it was time to go, I tossed it in the trash with everything else.  BUT NO, it’s not my fault. Here’s how it really happened:

While waiting in line to get me meatloaf surprise, I noticed that our lunch lady was giving me the eye.  Now, of course, I just caulked it up to the fact that I looked so good that day. You should have seen her eyes light up when I flashed my newly de-metaled smile. But what she was really checking out was whether or not I was wearing my new retainer. Ew, right! Why would she be checking that out, you must be asking yourself.  Well, this is where the conspiracy theory comes in.

Okay, we’ll start from the top. There is the good orthodontist, Dr. Godwin, or the Godfather, as I like to call him.  He is the one who set this whole deal in motion. Then there’s his Underboss, the receptionists, who help advise the Godfather and upset parents about the “missing” retainer.  Of course, we can’t forget his soldiers, the orthodontic assistants. They are the ones who get the goods from the associates (i.e. the lunch ladies) . . . do you see where this is going?

So this is how it goes down.  When a kid is distracted, the lunch lady swoops in with her wily ways and takes the retainer.  Since it’s not sitting on the tray, the kid totally forgets about it (you know . . . out of sight—out of mind).  She then cleans them and makes a note of who she stole which retainer from.  At the end of the week, one or two of the soldiers collects all of the retainers and brings them back to the headquarters—the orthodontic office. They clean them up and get ready for the phone call from the upset parents— “Kevin lost his retainer. Can I bring him in and get him fitted for a new one?”  The underbosses, being sweet as they are cunning, tell the parents, “It’s not a problem; just bring him in.”   That’s when they go in the back to find his lunch lady-delivered retainer so diligently marked and set aside.

When the kid comes in, the soldiers get to work making a fake mold (after all, they don’t need a real one when the old retainer is in the back), and they tell the kid to come back in a few days.  The Godfather (aka, Dr. Godwin) even comes in and pretends to poke around his mouth making it all seem like an authentic visit.  So, after a few days, the kid comes back and the Godfather gives him his old retainer without anyone being the wiser.  Once he’s gone, they all have a laugh and split the profits. (Cash and/or cookies, that is!)

Now, you’ll know this conspiracy theory is true if I’m found sleeping with the fishes with cement molds stuck to my feet . . Oh, that notorious Godfather!

Gone Fishing . . . A Fishy Retainer Story

June 13th, 2017

Have you ever wondered where all those missing retainers go?

Well, our patients have some amazing stories to tell. Fact, fiction or just plain silly . . . only our patients know for sure. All we ask is that the stories entertain us, and many of our patients deliver just that. We thought we’d share a few of the stories we have received as a regular Blog feature. We hope you’ll enjoy them as much as we have!

This is the story of Albert Elvis Renaldie the 4th, but you can call me Joe. It is the tragic story about how I got separated from my girlfriend, Sue. Let me tell you a little about how Sue and I met before starting this story. Being retainers, Sue and I were made together and therefore became life partners, a bit like an arranged marriage. On April 28th, Sue and I were sent to a lovely home in the mouth of a girl named Rachel. Rachel was a one-room apartment kept at about 98.7 degrees Fahrenheit and came with a complete set of white, adult teeth that needed protection. In our home, Sue lived on the ceiling while I lived on the floor. We were lucky that Rachel cleaned herself twice a day because we had heard terrible stories of homes that built up with germs and grime so much that . . . uhh . . it’s too nasty to talk about. Anyway, Sue and I lived happily in our home for about a month occasionally escaping into a larger world three times a day in order for Rachel to spice up our home. During that time, we were placed next to Rachel on some surface where we were able to see the world around us. This is where the story begins . . .

One bright and sunny day, Rachel decided to go fishing with her family. Being residents of Rachel’s mouth, Sue and I went along for the ride. At the lake, things were going pretty smoothly until Jodi, Rachel’s mother, offered her some gummy worms; appropriate, seeing as they were fishing. Before eating the gummy worms, Rachel took Sue and I out of her mouth and placed us on a small shelf in her brother’s tackle box. Sue and I were admiring the beautiful lake when all of a sudden, I was pickup and attached to the end of a hook.  “This is interesting bait,” Rachel’s brother, Drew, said as he tied me on tightly. “I wonder if the fish like it because it is shiny, sea weedy quality?”

And with that, I was cast out into the lake on the end of a fishing pole. Drew was wrong about me. The fish did not think that I was interesting or edible. Instead of being gobbled up by some massive, killer fish, the fishing line got caught on a stray log and they had to cut it loose, leaving me in the lake to fend for myself. I was just about to give up and think that this was the end, when a bald eagle flew down and picked me up in its talons. For a second, I thought by some strange fate that the eagle was going to drop me back into the tackle box, but the eagle kept on flying. It flew over hills and valleys . . . Okay, maybe just to the other side of the lake, but for a small retainer like myself, that seemed like forever. The eagle must of thought that I looked like a nice decoration for its home because it weaved me into its nest and that is where I have been ever since.

All I could think about is what Sue is doing without me. Does she miss me? Will she be given a new life partner? Is she even alive? Oh, what I would give to see her one last time before I die, or plummet 100 feet to the ground when its time for the eagles to do some house cleaning. Hours, then days passed. I guess I’ll never know Sue's destiny or my fate . . . So that is where my story ends.

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