Lord Of The Old Guys . . . A Retainer Story For The Ages

Have you ever wondered where all those missing retainers go?

Well, our patients have some amazing stories to tell. Fact, fiction or just plain silly . . . only our patients know for sure. All we ask is that the stories entertain us, and many of our patients deliver just that. We thought we’d share a few of the stories we have received as a regular Blog feature.

Here's Our Latest Story . . . Lord of the Old Guys

I misplaced my retainer, I admit it. However, it was for an excellent cause. You see, the weekend that I lost it I was staying at my grandfather’s house. He lives in one of those all senior neighborhoods, and he needed my help painting so I stayed with him for a few days. The first night while trying to fall asleep (naturally with both my top and bottom retainers tightly fastened in my mouth), I was awakened by a loud crashing noise from downstairs. When I went to see what the clatter was, I saw the front door open and my grandfather lying on the ground below the steps with nothing but a puddle of  water and the remains of a balloon around him.  I ran to help him, when suddenly I was bombarded. I was attacked by several hundred water balloons being catapulted from the front yards of the neighboring senior citizens.

“Run! Save yourself!”, my poor, old grandfather yelled, and to this, I ran and hid behind a bush . When I peaked to see what was going on, all I could see was a war of chaos! Water balloons were bombs . . . walkers were tanks . . . and canes were swords. My grandfather was able to crawl behind the bush with me, obtaining only a few battle wounds.

“Every second Friday night of the month,” he began to explain, “We all have a war. It keeps us young at heart. The neighbors across the street fight us until 4 a.m. and then whoever has the most seniors still awake and fighting, wins!”

After explaining this, my grandfather ran out with his false teeth, biting the enemy. I sat frozen. “Who figures,” I thought.  “I go to bed one night, and I wake up enlisted in some foreign army fighting for who knows what.” But my grandfather sounded so proud and brave in the way he described this war that I felt I would be letting him down if I went back into the warmth and safety of my bed.

And so began the search for a weapon. Being in my pajamas, I did not have any pockets with knickknacks I could use to fight with. I had to go out hoping that my youth would be enough to protect me. I emerged from the bushes and fought harder than ever before. I heard the enemy shout several times, “Whippersnapper!” Many ran screaming at this warning. In fact, all did . . . All except one  -  an elderly lady whose glasses were so painfully big, whose hair was set in a wild fro-like style, and whose sweater had every color and pattern one could imagine. Looking at her was like staring at Mothra itself. Her wrinkled body shook as she approached me with her final water balloon. She pulled it back with what strength her arm could take and threw it as hard as she could towards me. In slow motion, the balloon came darting at my face as I stood weaponless. Then, as I bit my lip to brace myself, I felt the light touch of my retainer. I instantly took it from my mouth and threw it toward the balloon. The balloon shattered, bursting water everywhere. The old woman took her walker and returned to her home, screaming like the rest of them. We had won the war! I am now known as a hero in that half of the elderly community and until next Friday, the senior citizens will sleep well knowing I protected them. And so, that is how I lost my retainer, albeit with honor.